Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

dude it’s called proctologist

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Stop correcting my vodkabulary