Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.