Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.