Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Get in loser we’re going crying
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?