Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I’m calling the cops.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Yup….perfect score!
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
