There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?
Husband: GET UP!
This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy
& now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
2. Twitter DM
5. Climb through my window
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I have a great vocabulary, just ask my um female dad
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.