my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner’s moves. You’re gonna sacrifice some horses
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Europe. Made in Germany.
The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Cow: I mean – moo
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.