Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.