Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas