Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.