Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.