Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
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WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years