Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Who chose this font
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”