Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
