Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

Cat.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.