Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

Sniffing the broccoli

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?