Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
You Might Also Like
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I love the honesty
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*