sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
You Might Also Like
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.