Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Stop

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

ㅤ

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

sliding into dms like

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?