sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???