sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
decorating my apartment
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him