sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”