Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
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CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death