Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

I just tested negative for patience.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

i just found this in my phone

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.