Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?