Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.