Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

Coffee is ready.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.