Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO