Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Fidel Castro was alive?

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.