Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
You Might Also Like
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is