Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall