Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
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So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Good morning.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole