Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
You Might Also Like
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.