Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie