Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

japanese corn

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.