Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
respect
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
