Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*