Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.