Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter