Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
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Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
learning about math 🧐 📝
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I cannot stop laughing at this
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.