Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS