Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
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People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Weirdly Wednesday.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please