Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
What?
🤣
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
This meal prepping shit easy
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.