Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG

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Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.


Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*


I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.


Why didn’t Spider-Man’s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?


INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.


Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth


Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can


I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.


ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking


It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.