@xysist

Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG

You Might Also Like

@HRTSMRT

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

@rachelle_mandik

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

@notmythirdrodeo

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

@leshnevsky

Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!

@OmgMeDamnit

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

@SnarkyMommy78

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.