imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
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wut hotdog?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Never be a pizza!
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Bro what is this
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.