Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG

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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.


You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.


Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.


Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg


You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.


Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.


Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.


Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!


Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.


My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.