Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
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Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?
*Leaps into garbage compactor*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Why didn’t Spider-Man’s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.