I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?