Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My life is fraught with reality
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg