Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?