Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
🤭😂
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
◾️
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?