Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.