Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

Growing out my freckles.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.