Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Primary cause of death: Eaten
Primary cause of death: Eating
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.