@NYorNothing

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

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@treydayway

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

@AngelaEhh

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

@chrissyteigen

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

@PJTLynch

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

@Spaziotwat

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

@TheBoydP

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

@kevinjrr

Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.

@onbrandbrandonn

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.