Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them