Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hey I worked for it too!

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.