Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now