Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Sorted
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Grandpa
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus