Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.