Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”