Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people