Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Bike for sale
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[on my way back to the posting caves]
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour