Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
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The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Sing it!
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
FINE, I WON’T.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet