Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
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6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?