If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
As the Lord intended
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.