Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Sooo many times…..
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex