Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I can’t deal with men any longer
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I see your IQ test came back negative
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.