Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife