Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient