Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
What happened to the other hiker??!
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.