Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.