Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I hope Alan is OK
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”