facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”