Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”