Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?