Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.