Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Labreador
