Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
You Might Also Like
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.