Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.