Sex so good you see dead people.
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?