Sex so good you see dead people.
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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I found your tweet-up…
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time