Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Go gym

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”