Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
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Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.